sleepless, Ania, joy, Uma

I wake up at 5:38 every morning, with no alarm. I leave work between midnight & 3:30am. I need more sleep.

My officemate, Brett, said he'd go to the gym with me. We start tomorrow. Then I'll sleep more.

I bought a dayplanner today.

I feel spread across the galaxy. Worn thin with ecstasy, with lack of container, with weariness. Teaching bootcamp at work is like acting in open air. It takes forever to build a paltry fire, compared to the crucible of an offsite.

I have moved to new level of integrity, and now lots of things grate on me. I made of list of "THIS needs to be destroyed..." "... so that THIS can be created."

I am keeping a budget.

Ania is here, Gardzienice incarnate, and I have only seen her the first weekend when Seattle was unholy hot -- which, Kipley, is an exception; we're generally not humid, and YES you should move here, move everyone here, Carmen & Cornel too -- and I was dripping with sweat and she was not. She is liking the Skinner intensive. Ben, write me -- or write her -- and get the phone number where she is staying.

I feel like a sailboat that is turning through the wind. Where you point straight into the wind, the sails lose their force, luff, then just lay horribly limp while you saw with the tiller, until finally, faintly, you have come through it, and the cotton begins to billow again. That's what I feel like -- like I have come through some great laxness, and now the sails are starting to fill.

My alignment -- my personal tuning fork right now -- is Joy. I am focussing on what brings me joy. Turns out, there's a ton of clean-up to wade through to get to Joy.

Katagiri Roshi says the purpose of structure in our lives is to outgrow it. "We create it, we use it to support us through a very specfic stage of growth -- and then we must destroy it, to create the next one." He also calls this, "Pouring our snake spines into a bamboo pole."

I have many structures that have served me for years, which it's time to destroy.

Scott Peck, author of If you meet the buddha on the road, kill him says we put ourselves in pickles, to force ourselves to grow.

I have created a great pickle for myself right now. If I were just living in it, it would make me crazy. But looking at it as a lab which I have created -- "How DO I deal with this person at work? The same way I always have, leading to the same results? Or try something new?" -- lends it interest.

Life is like a dream I keep forgetting I'm dreaming. Only the bootcamp parts, my family, and my most intimate friends seem real.

I saw My Super Ex-Girlfriend. In all of Uma's last few movies, I keep having the same feeling -- I can't look away from her, and yet she is SO much bigger than this part. I wish someone would write a part that wreaks her.

I wonder if I could write a part Uma couldn't play.

I'd have to give her a partner she couldn't keep up with.